Fate

As a kid I felt destined to come down with a terrible illness... like diabetes, cystic fibrosis, or leukemia. I was too lucky, I reasoned; I had good parents who were able to provide me with whatever toys or clothes I wanted, I had enough intelligence and athletic ability, and I had been spared calamity and disaster.

Ergo, surely life-threatening illness was headed my way.

I wasn't dramatic about this, I didn't mourn the lose of my adulthood. It was just something that I accepted about myself. I didn't tell anyone; in fact, I hardly realized that I thought it.

I never dreamed about my adult life. I wasn't a girl who thought about weddings or careers or houses.

It wasn't until late high school that I realized 1. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life; and 2. I was probably not going to die. I'd passed the window of terrible childhood diseases.

I sometimes wonder if I had thought more about my career choice, if I would have chose something else. Why not doctor? Why not accountant? I've always shown more aptitude in math and science than I did in English. The path I've taken I really stumbled upon--from my selection of majors to my first real job. I feel incredibly lucky that I love what I do.

Yet, part of me still won't be surprised if the rains come. But it was only that particular storm--me, illness--that I prepared for. The other million possibilities scare the shit out of me.