Guest blogger! Husband on training movies

Today I bring you a special treat! Standing in for boring-ol-me is handsome and erudite Guest Blogger Husband.

Hi. This is Husband. As he with the ultimate capacity for self-destruction, the topic of my guest-blog (yes, we live in a society where that is an acceptable phrase) refers specifically to a subject where you feel as though you are doing something of observable benefit to the world but in point of fact are doing absolutely nothing.

Allow me to rephrase. I do not mean a task like alphabetizing your CDs or cleaning out your inbox. I mean doing something that while you feel you are making yourself a better person, you are actively making yourself feel worse and making your self-esteem look much more like self-loathing.

This quality is imperative in somebody with a high capacity for self-destruction. If this is something to which you aspire...read on (which guarantees you a spot in my camp). If you don't want to fall in a recursive loop, then go vacuum, rake, or fold something.

The point of this particular blog is to highlight the greatest training sequences in film (read: movies). I love training sequences. Male or female, something about watching somebody put themselves through hell to make themselves better and more fine tuned for the sport of their desire gives me warm fuzzies and makes me want to raise my fist in the air in exuberance (read: like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club).

The following is a list with some anecdotes as to why I love them and why you should watch them wearing appropriate workout gear and Protein Shake in one hand.

10. Personal Best. OK so this one is a little specious because it is basically a lesbian love story and as a boy of 14 when I first watched it on Bravo at 1:00 am, the running may have not been the center of my focus. However, I have watched this movie since, and found the desperation to improve one's physical performance (not in the sack...well...OK in the sack but that is not what I meant) quite inspiring. Lots of running much, much faster than I will ever run.

9. Major League. A comedy. I use that term loosely. I does contain a lot of actors. One who went on to play the President (in 24), one who killed vampires (in the Blade oeuvre...that's right oeuvre), one who starred in the Hot Shots movies and that guy from all of those things who you can never place. Anyway. You watch a band of mediocre baseball player train up to become a team (dammit) and kick some major tail. Some things that are important for the genre that we have learned from this movie. One: first basemen must be fat, rude, and spit tobacco. Two: women who own sports teams desire failure (I know...it's sad.) Three: all baseball players who are at all from the Caribbean are superstitious to the extent that they perform quasi voodoo rituals in the clubhouse, but can only truly succeed when one renounces one's traditions and adopt a more Judeo-Christian attitude (every bit as sad). The reason I love this is because it makes me want to strive.

8. Miracle. Come on. In addition to all of the awesome with the hockey it's all about people's dreams and aspirations. The only way the characters can obtain them is by kicking their own asses every day. I remember being totally inspired to kick ass while watching this move and eating potato chips, French onion dip and a bourbon and diet coke. Needless to say asses have yet to be kicked.

7. Rocky. This one is easy. Brother wants to kick ass in order to win the love of Talia Shire(!). I defy you to not feel like you want to be the most awesome person of all time after watching Sly drink four raw eggs and run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. After finishing the film for the first time I considered making my fight name the Norwegian Gelding....but I just couldn't pick what color robe so I abandoned it.

6. Spartacus. Ooh...Stanley Kubric...look at me being cinema savvy. But really, guys training together only to kill one another...awesome. Reminds me of middle school *rimshot*. Spartacus had a dimple in his chin...I have a dimple in my chin...I am Spartacus.

5. Karate Kid. So Ralph Macchio was 31 years old playing a 16 year old. Pat Morita was playing a somewhat embarrassing stereotype but damn. Wax-on wax-off. Paint the fence. Grab the fly with the chopsticks. That would definitely make me want to learn the damn crane kick and hit Johnny in the face. I cheered...but of course I was 9. Sweep the leg Johnny. Yes sensei indeed.

4. Chariots of Fire. Come on you know the ditty. Dun dun dun dun dun dunnnn. dun dun dun dun dunnnn. dun dun dun dun dun duh dunnnn. dun dun dun dun dun. doo doo doo doo do do do. doo doo doo do doo. doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. dun dun dun dun dun. I defy you to watch that movie and not sing that in your head at some point in the race.

3. Prefontaine. Jordan Catalano playing a distance runner (OK it was Jared Leto...but come on...brother will be 78 playing the senior Bowling with the Stars circuit and I will think of him as Jordan). This is the single most awesome running movie of all time that has nothing but terrible acting and an embarrassing script. That being said. If I were asked what I would rather watch right now: Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Apocalypse Now or Prefontaine...I would go with Pre every time. He runs a lot...he's good at it. It's awesome.

2. Remember the Titans. Denzel. (wait, read in movie trailer guy voice) In a world full of racial tension, two groups of players must come together for a common goal. With forced sentimentality and Disneyfied struggles and strife, we find that we are all the same. We all want to kick ass. With the ass kicking. Oh, Denzel's in it too. (end movie trailer guy's voice). Movie's awesome they have to work damn hard and they learn lessons about diversity. Love it.

1. Bend it Like Beckham. OK. So I know I mentioned Personal Best first which pushes my dirty-old-man meter to like 7.5. already, so a movie about attractive teenage women soccer players being my single favorite training sequence movie of all times probably makes me the guy you hope doesn't sit next you you on the bus. But I am admitting this to all 15 of you who read this. This is the movie that made me start running. She of the Stolen Bike and I saw this movie in the theatre in April of 2002. The next day I started running. After having finished four marathons and training for my fifth I think the inspirational qualities of this film could not be overstated. God bless you Keira Knightely.

Other movies worth noting for specious reasons. Marathon Man with Hoffman and Olivier...not about running but the Holocaust. Well, I know that now. Logan's Run, not about running...and pretty crap. Ran by Akira Kurosawa...actually a Japanese retelling of King Lear...very few instances of body glide or water stops. 300 - I really want computer generated abs...but hell...who needs a six-pack when I have a keg. Spider-Man - Peter figuring out his powers is cool...but he is a superhero who has probably not thought of the phrase "florp chafing." And last but not least ,the Joss Whedon oeuvre because its awesome.

So thus concludes my list of training awesomeness. Any time any of you want to watch any of these movies let me know...but make sure to bring workout clothes because I am powerless against their jazzercizing influence.

Thanks She of the Stolen Bike. It's been fun.

Signing off
Husband