Today, as a special treat for sticking with me throughout November, I bring you the Slumlord, who allows us a peek into his obsession with spreadsheets and their uses beyond the usual work applications. He also gives us a peek into his kitchen... or at least, what used to be his kitchen. Thanks Slummy! A hearty thank you to She of the Stolen Bike for allowing a numbers and spreadsheet guy like me, the Slumlord, to share this space.
Before we get into the dark and scary mind of the Slumlord, a bit of background is needed. For example, one might wonder why a person would be called the Slumlord. I agree with you, good reader, this is an unjust term given to me by my Hetero Life Partner aka Tenant aka Señor Ferret. Apparently, he requires a more functional kitchen than this:
Personally, I see this as the perfect rustic kitchen with a nice…ah…shall we say "Open floor plan." In many countries this would be luxurious and I should increase his rent accordingly. It has a refrigerator and a stove, what else does he need?! Running water is not needed, nor is a prep area! As you can see, the title of Slumlord is completely unjust.
I am frequently mocked for my use of spreadsheets by my tenant,
Señor Ferret, because I use them for nearly every important decision in life.
Sure, a normal person might use spreadsheets for financial decisions such as purchasing a home or remodeling the kitchen, but I take it one step further - even emotional decisions can be made with a spreadsheet.
As a single man, finding a woman (Yes, a WOMAN) to spend my life with is a good example of how a spreadsheet can be used to make a decision.We all know that no one is perfect (except for me, of course) and compromises need to be made to make the happiest match. The only way I know how to compromise is based on data, so it is time to create data. Rate each important aspect of a person such as intelligence, sense of humor, life goals, personality, and looks based on your ideal. Once you average the scores you have an accurate numerical assessment of the person against your ideal which will assist in determining if this is a good compromise. You can add some conditional formatting where certain deal breakers
aren’t met to draw your attention to any issues, such as a 5 in intelligence – a woman smarter than me would not be good. For the more detail oriented people, like me, each of these parent categories can be broken down into individual components to allow a thorough examination of each category. Clearly, you need to see the Girlfriend Rater v1.02 for you to fully appreciate its brilliance:
Lame? Yes. Emotionless? Yes, that’s the whole point. It’s the perfect way to make a decision and feel comfortable that all aspects are reviewed. In other news, if anyone knows a 8, 9, 8, 8.5, 9 looking for a 10, 12, 10, 10, 10 you know who to call.
1 comment:
Wow. And I thought I knew the extent of his spreadsheets before. Now I won't bother to ask for names anymore, just stats.
By the way, the kitchen does have walls and insulation now, which is nice for the winter. It was only a 50% increase in extortion...I mean, rent.
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